Lessons on change

I think I changed. 

 After my closest friends left me here in the office for greener (or rather LESS greener pastures), I decided not to be like them. After everything that they have done during their stay here in USAP, I realised that I’m becoming an irresponsible, dense employee that every employer would hate. I admit that I’ve always arrives late here in the office, but after receiving a warning note from my supervisor, I decided to change for the better. 

I want to be with my friends that has a positive attitiude in everything, for they give me enough courage to do the impossible. I know my limits, but I see to it that I can break the barrier and do something new and to extend my own limits to the extreme. I think I became more responsible for my own actions, and by doing so, I managed to balance my current full time work to my part time work and my almost-late-night choral  practices.

And because of this, there are some people who always yanks about everything. Ok, this person’s a HE, and he’s older than me. yes, he has this spunky personality. But his emo personality, pessimistic views about his life and uberly childish attitude pissed me off. not only did he always tells something bad about his health and all the negative things about his life, he always pm-ed me during work hours where i’m supposedly working. This person never understands the life around me, and I don’t think messaging me every other minute is a GOOD thing while inside office premises. And as much as I don’t want to RANT about this person, this sudden hatred for him is simply eternal. 

And BTW, he’s now in my hate list.

 And today,some of my officemates noticed the change. My immediate boss likes the change that im now going through. Even some of my comrades noticed it and appreciate it. But there are some that are, I think, makes them worried. I explained it to them and they seemed to understand that. 

And sadly, there are some who don’t understand a thing. It was a sad on my part, considering the fact that they were my closest allies… 

Do you think change is a good thing or a bad thing?

I hope and I pray that they would understand everything that I’m doing right now.  

 XOXO, Cristal 

Reflections

I was reading my centuries-year-old friendster blog and it bought back some of the most cherished memories that I had. It was my virtual rant space from 2005 to 2008, and as I was reading it, I laughed, cried, rejoiced and embarrased, primarily because of the emotions that I put everytime I posted something.

 I documented everything from seeing my crush passed by during my college days, rants about my final requirements that I need to do during my final years in college, my first “official” love and the anger of this certain lesbian gay hag and the previous company that I previously employed. 

I realized that I do changed a lot during that time. The immaturity is clearly seen on every post, until the last of my blog post.

And now that I’m in here in USAP, I continued to change for the better.

I still tend to be tardy (as usual, the office that I’m in is much farther than the previous one) I want to have my personal space and as much as possible be more responsible in every task that I’m in… wether it is for work purposes, or for  some of my sidelines that i’ve taken. Also mentioned here is the commitments in Coro and some others.

Some may not understand the changes that I need to do in order to get it done, and it makes me think of how immature they really are… some may think that every decision that i’m in is a wrong one. But little do they know that I tend to think twice…twice…or many times before i push through with something… 

I also realized that it’s been years since I’ve been in a relationship, and confusion occurs when i think about this. I came to the conclusion that love can be a one-sided thing, an unfair feeling and something of a douchebag at the same time. But that doesnt mean that i’ve already given up on love… for now I need to face the fact that love will come someday at the right place and at the right time. I just have to wait and face a million douchebags before meeting the person who will love me forever despite my failures and stupidity.

 So there. 

Even in death

As much as possible, I want to stay positive in every problem that I had. but what if it has to do with death? 

It is something that I didnt understand until now. Why do we had to lose someone we love? It may be due to some dreadful disease, by a gruesome accident, or some fearful incident that occur at that time.  

But there are some people who are afraid to face death, and there are some who who wants to die now. The question is, why are they afraid to face death? and why are they ready? is there any other reasons to do this? are these people who are ready to leave this earth wants to leave their loved ones behind? 

And as for me, as much as possible I want my loved ones to be here all the time. It hurts a lot to lose someone dearest to my heart. I know it sounds selfish, but… 

… It’s the way of life.

*sigh* 

letting go…moving on…

As I look at what happened these past few days, I can say that I survived this ordeal. My closest friends left me for some greener (and less stressful) pastures and me dealing with some work-related problems that I’m currently facing right now. It’s a good thing that even without my closest allies at my side during the ordeal, I still had my newfound friends to keep me strong (and sane) at the same time. 

Now I’m slowly bouncing back to my own self, currently back to the drawing board, making plans ahead (christmas list included) and slowly making harmony with the choir. Most of them wants me back, but I want to start slow. Slowly but surely, I can do the things that I love the most in the long run.

And I’ll be starting this by updating my personal blog. There.

 Hello Cristal.  Welcome  back! <3

Love is…

It is a sweetest stress. 

It is a killing kind.

It is something that one don’t understand.

It is a thing that loves/hates/loathes/irritates/enjoys the most.

It is a feeling that can move mountains.

It is the thing that changes you.  

It is when one can be a stalker to someone.

It sucks.

It varies from every person.

It is a thing that inspires you.

It is something that makes you complete. 

It is a thing that makes you creative.

It is a complicated thing.

It is the happiest feeling in the world.

It makes everyone worthwhile.

It makes one feel giddy inside out.

It is a thing that money can’t buy.

It is a special connection between two people.

It is heavenly.

It is the reason why we smile.

This… Love. <3