Anatole France
On sleepless nights and mid-life crisis
September 14, 2010It was on one of those sleepless nights that I had a major mid-life crisis. Everything around me seems to be unfair. My health is deteriorating, My mom is in favor for our gay brother and lets him disrespect her in front of us all, work can be a vicious cycle of hell and back and even my relationship with my boyfriend can be a stressful thing because of his childish antics. I already gave up the things that I love most, even my dreams and my wishes to my future. I can’t keep up with the people around me anymore. I wanna get out of this mess. I need a break.
I wish to have my dream job. To sing with my heart’s delight and being appreciated by the the people around me. To create art and to live with colorful palettes, soulful sonatas and intricate lines that only the artist and fellow artisans could understand. To build a perfect house for me and my family, either in the middle of metropolis or in peaceful scenic place in the province. I don’t have plans to be rich, just to be happy for me and for the prople around me.
but faith just seems to be rough for me. We still live in an old rented apartment. I’m still a part of a dysfunctional family. Also having the unrealistic views in achieving the “perfect home” for us. Even disapproving of me singing in the choir, of the course that I wanna pursue in college, and even the thought of having a boyfriend. They even want me to work abroad for the family’s benefit. So much pressure for a middle child like me.
It makes me think, do I deserve this?
I hope God will hear my list of sentiments and hopefully, this will end soon.
I may not be a perfect daughter, sibling, employee, and girlfriend, but I’m trying my best to be better than before.
But now I’m pressured. I’m having a hard time dealing with this and it makes me crazy thinking about what to do next.
And I’m scared.
God help me.
Previous Comments
Thank you chito, I miss my sketch pad and my tuning fork, perhaps I need to use it again… I need a major change in my life, a career shift and a new environment to live with… to get out of my comfort zone and seek for new ones…
it makes me think, career change or going back to school? (I need some answers now!)
Posted by cristal at September 17, 2010, 10:26 amActually my dear tala we have the same problem. About the answer to your problem I think it would be better if we search it by ourselves. Don’t be upset. It is vital for artisans to have pain. Did you saw the two faces of an artist right. (the two masks) well that is our life as an artist. No matter how great the pains we endure we must conceal it by embracing arts and lifting the burdens of the people.
Why don’t you concentrate more on arts. Like what I’ve said before, arts is the answer to conceal the aching heart of an artisan…
Posted by Manong Chito at September 17, 2010, 7:21 pmAll comments are moderated. Your comments will not appear here unless approved by the blog owner. Thank you.
awww. tala. i just don’t know how to cheer you up. life can be unfair. it’s just a matter of searching or making new things to make you forget your problems. why don’t you write poems and let your heart pour out the strings of words… i ought to know because the best companion for me as an artist is pain…
you are an artist tala. what is an artist? an artist is man/woman fated to lift the burdens of mankind. it is difficult tala but you have to push yourself to the limits so that you can change your tears into a smile of glee..
i’m always here for you tala
Posted by Manong Chito at September 16, 2010, 10:10 pm