I miss being a child

Posted this picture because I miss playing around, being spoiled by my parents and being loved by all.

This picture was taken on my first birthday, Dec. 18, 1984 (check the baloon on the pic) and that was me and my mom. Taken inside our house here in Sta. Cruz, Manila. ^_^

It’s one of the oldest surviving photos I ever had.

(This is also my official entry to Yugatech’s oldest photo contest, better check it out here: http://www.yugatech.com/blog/contests/contest-show-me-your-oldest-photo/)

Burn out

 There are times that I feel like my workload becomes so piled up that I can’t take it anymore >___<

Everytime I looked at my weekly workload, I want to crush myself and die. 

Yes, I’m ranting about my current workload. And really it’s getting harder and harder these days. The pressure from work starts to sink in my entire body and it has already affect me… 

And I just said to myself, I can’t handle this shit anymore. 

…

I was thinking of either getting a LOOONG vacation or filing a resignation. 

But after seeing this scraped blog post in one of my file folders (I think I wrote this last year), it makes me think twice  in letting go on the things that I have right now or not.

Allow me to share this post with you guys… (pls don’t mind the typo errors pls!)

 

Dear God,

i want to thank you for being so good to me last 2008. it has been a year where change has happen in my life. well it’s not because Obama wins the presidential race in the US, but because of the drastic changes that occured…

first of all, it is the year where i completely let go of the emotional stress that i had before. i must say that im no longer an emo in my own right, im now a jolly, childlike and optimistic person that i once used to when i was in college. for as i enter the world of the employed and the successful, my previous employer has been cruel to me, esp. the backstabbing, bickering and sex-crazed people around it. working in a strugling underground BPO company that does online dating and porn sites has made me a monster at that time. plus the unreasonable salary with no nessesary benefits… all of these has made my life a living hell.  

but because of your help, i managed to get out of rednix online/molave internet solutions (or whatever their name is right now) and helped me to br part of one of the most prominent internet marketing companies here in the country as a jr. ims…and it’s been one of the biggest blessings for me… the work, environment and the people has been good for me and that is why i’ve been thankful.

im also thankful God for helping me make a career move…for being a web encoder (aka spammmer)/writer has given me tons and tons of headache and stress… seeing unessesary images and reading/writing blogs that are “unholy” makes me feel uneasy and guilty, for you know that i’ve been serving you God for ages (in the church choir) and yet i’m doing all those crazy stuff for work… for all of these doesnt make any sense to me… and all of these makes me feel so ashamed of myself.

and now that im here in usap, i finally realized that i had wasted so much time doing all sorts of crap with my prevous work, and  now im doing good. and having said that, i feel so much better. the company has helped me reset my goals, of what i really wanted in my life and what i really wanted to be in the near future…

God, i also wanted to thank you for helping me to let go completely of the past, for i was holding on to someone…well it’s because i made a huge mistake on someone very close to me, i feel very guilty of it. well it’s not because i cheated on him (coz i never really done it before and i had no plans of doing it on someone else in the near future) but i made a very bad decision of letting him go because of him not helping me when everything around me seems to fall apart…and i think it’s very childish of me to do that… but then he seems to be ok and well. and he forgives me for doing that.

and for almost two years of not having a relationship i seem to grow more as a person… and it helped me to learn and love myself… and im thankful God for giving me space to groW and strength to keep me going…

for someday, in God’s time, the “right one” will come. it may be in a year or two, but then it will come. whoever that is…

and also god, i wanted to thank you for giving me such wonderful people who helped me to be in my place right now. my family who loves me unconditionally, my childhood friends for being there for me each and every single day, coro for teaching me not only to sing with with my heart, but also to be tough person full of confidence, my previous employer and my previous officemates who were backtabbing lesbo bitches for making me a fighter (thanks to christina aguilera for the song!) my present officemates who helped me to become more productive when it comes to work, my closest friends in the office (you know who you are!) who never fails to let me down, and to the people who captures my heart, for they are the ones who makes me smile…

i know god, everything that occured last 2008 to me may be ordinary to some, but for me it’s a life changing moment. and i wanted to thank you for that.

thank you god for such wonderful blessings.

i hope that 2009 will be much better.

till then god, and thank you.

xoxo, cristal

Somehow, being one of the SEO specialist is a grateful thing but the pressure still burdens me. 

I just need more time to think. 

The sweet escape to the countryside (and my own love story with kawayan farm)

B and I scheduled a road trip to the long strip of Jalajala, Rizal a week ago and though me wants to doze off to sleep on a sunday, I forced myself to wake up late, and push through the schedule. so B fetched me and went off to our journey.

So instead of going to the usual Taytay - Antipolo - Teresa - Morong - Pililla -Tanay trip, we went the other way around, Taytay - Angono - Binangonan - Cardona - Baras - Tanay - Pililla - Sta. Maria (Laguna) and Jalajala.Yes it was WAY too tiring but it was worth it. 

We went to Angono to see the place where the national artists Lucio San Pedro and Carlos P. Francisco lived. The street itself is more of a gallery - each street has some of the painter’s murals and some were music sheets and greatest compositions from the composer. I just wish that I could go back there to get some pics, for each house on that street is a work of art.

We also saw a house with a replica of the statue of liberty. It was funny but nice! 

We went to Binangonan to check the one of the most talked about subdivisions aroud - the St. Monique Valais. It was grand and lovely. Too bad we were not allowed to get inside the village - not unless there are brokers who could give us a tour on what’s inside the Saint Monique. 

And we went on the long stretch of Manila East road going to Tanay and Pililla, and since it was lunch time, we went to Kawayan Farm. Checked the information from Google and found out that it was actually more of a farm than a restaurant! But either way, I love the atmosphere of the entire place, peaceful, calming and serene. The bamboo house where we ate is lovely, along with the garden facade and the overlooking view of the Laguna de Bay. The food was exquisitely yummy (and it wasnt pricey, FTW!) and after a hefty meal (and 5 cups of rice) we were way too full. We stayed here for a while and just enjoy the calming scenery and the cool air gushing through the windows. 

And I just fell in love. 

I mean if I were a boy and Kawayan farm is still single, I would definitely ask her hand for marriage. 

Of course I’m just kidding, teehee!

After I bid goodbye to the Kawayan Farm *sob* we went to the much picturesque overlooking view to the Laguna Bay. I just hate the part where children just went on our space in order to sell quail eggs, lol!

But either way, we went to the LOOOONG stretch of Pililla going to Sta. Maria, Laguna and going to Jalajala, Rizal and back. Since we were on a motorcycle, it was a very uncomfortable ride. My back and arse hurt like hell and there are no curvy road ahead, just a long and steady road that looks like there’s no tomorrow. 

But the thing I enjoyed the most at that time: fresh air, lovely farm houses, lush green meadows, majestic mountains and a place full of history that no one ever take notice. I’m happy that B knows the place very well and its humble history in every place he went. After all, he grew up in Tanay, Rizal. And he knows the way around. 

 I think it was great to have a trip to the countryside because of the crazy things that had happened around me these past few days. If it’s possible to get out of the metropolis every other day then I would glad to do so, even if it means getting drenched in the sun’s prickly heat and/or in the storm. 

And I’m very much thankful for B for bringing me to the countryside (and for helping me not to be insane, lol!)

AND for bringing me to the Kawayan Farm, would love to go back again! 

On sleepless nights and mid-life crisis

It was on one of those sleepless nights that I had a major mid-life crisis. Everything around me seems to be unfair. My health is deteriorating, My mom is in favor for our gay brother and lets him disrespect her in front of us all, work can be a vicious cycle of hell and back and even my relationship with my boyfriend can be a stressful thing because of his childish antics. I already gave up the things that I love most, even my dreams and my wishes to my future. I can’t keep up with the people around me anymore. I wanna get out of this mess. I need a break.

I wish to have my dream job. To sing with my heart’s delight and being appreciated by the the people around me. To create art and to live with colorful palettes, soulful sonatas and intricate lines that only the artist and fellow artisans could understand. To build a perfect house for me and my family, either in the middle of metropolis or in peaceful scenic place in the province. I don’t have plans to be rich, just to be happy for me and for the prople around me.

but faith just seems to be rough for me.  We still live in an old rented apartment. I’m still a part of a dysfunctional family. Also having the unrealistic views in achieving the “perfect home” for us. Even disapproving of me singing in the choir, of the course that I wanna pursue in college, and even the thought of having a boyfriend. They even want me to work abroad for the family’s benefit. So much pressure for a middle child like me.

It makes me think, do I deserve this?

I hope God will hear my list of sentiments and hopefully, this will end soon.

I may not be a perfect daughter, sibling, employee, and girlfriend, but I’m trying my best to be better than before.

But now I’m pressured. I’m having a hard time dealing with this and it makes me crazy thinking about what to do next.

And I’m scared.

God help me.

9/11

(The falling man, one of the most haunting images taken last 9/11, he jumped from one of the windows of North Tower. Taken from http://sazz.tumblr.com/)

I was 15 years old at that time when I saw something shocking on the television about the airplane crashing on one of the business districts in New york. It was a terrorist atack that shocked the whole world, and just like the incident happened during the hostage crisis, we are all shocked on what we’ve seen on our television screen. 

It was an act of terrorism. for sure. And Osama Bin Laden has to blame for this. And I just can’t believe that some of his followers, majority would be muslims, were rejoicing as they heard that their plan is a success.

And some muslims, the peace loving ones were devastated for they were now victims of discrimination because of that tragic incident. 

Sad to see what the world has put all the hatred not on the person involved, but on others as well. 

Years had passed and we all moved on. But there are some people who still think that muslims is the evil act itself. Im not a muslim, I’m a firm believer of christian (catholic) faith. But this insane pastor named Terry Jones and his plan on burning the muslim’s holy koran can cause havoc not just to the american-arab relations but to the muslim and christian nation as well.

I heard the news about the muslims and their plan on building a mosque near the big apple, and I’m not against that. If christians, jews, buddhist and some people from other religions can build their own churches, synagogues and their own religious centers then the muslims has the right to do so too. And I do think this may not cause some turmoil to other citizens but can cause great ties to all people of all nations and denominations to live in peace. 

May everyone remember 9/11.